You deserve an explanation. Actually, no one really deserves an explanation of whats going on in my life right now. This past month I haven’t posted regularly and I feel off schedule and guilty. Well really, I shouldn’t feel guilty at all. I owe it to myself to come to terms with what is happening and to get out what’s been floating around in my mind. There are feelings and emotions circling my head, all types of feels I haven’t experienced before.
SO HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED
You all know that I was in an accident in November, still not able to work and had a very hard time getting healthy again. I’ve gone up and down a rollercoaster of depression, paranoia, and anxiety. Never realizing how hard life can cut you down, juggling a relationship with the person who you’ve spent the past year and change with, jumping through hoops for. I spent all my time living for someone else because that’s what love is, right? Wrong, and in the meantime I forgot why I’m even still here after what I thought was God’s attempt to bring me up to him.
What else happened? I’ve tried hard to keep my personal life bottled up for too long. Swept things under the rug, ignored red flags, didn’t trust my instinct and lied from my heart. All things after another, I chose to leave the situation rather than facing my fears. I trusted too deep when I should have been guarded.
Two weeks after I left my home in Michigan, some issues made their way down to me 13 hours away. Maybe it was my fault for not directly handling the situation when I had the chance, giving too much trust and leaving a sliver of hope. But I made the decision to close a chapter of my life, so I flew home to Detroit to take care of these things.
I had lost my reason, my motivation and my psyche. Now this wasn’t something that happened overnight. It took many months to get to this point. I forgot how to be me and no I don’t regret it. It means that where I am right now, creating this content, enjoying this sunset, is where I’m supposed to be. That tomorrow the suns going to rise and a new day is going to start, and that’s the most optimism anyone can ask for.
Whole lot of soul-searching going on
Let’s talk about handling big changes. Something that happens to just about everyone in their twenties, identity crisis. Basically I moved down south trying to figure out who the hell me is. I’ve honestly felt pretty secure with myself up until this new life chapter. It’s not an insecurity issue, because I have felt comfortable in my own skin for some time now. But it’s about uncertainty. Uncertainty of where I’m supposed to be in my life right now, being content without a significant other, confused watching people I knew on a completely different path than me.
What I do know, I want to get better at being me and finding unconditional happiness within myself.
Everyone knows that you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. This is true, but it’s friggen’ difficult to truly love yourself unconditionally. I’ve come to realize that that’s a huge step right now. What I’m saying is that I’m not trying to fall in love at all right now. That takes time and I’m willing to wait.
VALIDATION IS IN YOURSELF
What it comes down to is learning to not let others validate you. I get it, it’s hard to validate yourself sometimes. Some people are aware of their skills and talents, some aren’t. I try my best not to doubt myself but in reality I find that 90% of the time I can’t make a pure on-the-spot decision. Validation is to be present and become your own support-system.
The most important relation you have is with yourself. It’s easy to take yourself for granted, function on autopilot or at the whims and desires of others. You think “I’m an account executive, a mom, a student”, but really you may only know yourself superficially. The key: know yourself intimately in all aspects. Which again, takes time, maybe even years or decades. Make time, real you time. Not out eating, getting drunk, smoking, drugs, changing jobs, taking care of someone else, ect. No excuses, you are never too busy. Make the time, quiet time, find peace and learn real mindfulness.
Stop and think. Are you the sidekick in someone else’s movie? Then be the star in your own. You don’t owe anything to anyone. No one deserves anything from you, not even an explanation of how you spend your time. Putting yourself first means your job is taking care of you. How are you doing it? How are you in touch in yourself?
Start by asking yourself some questions. Does this give me joy, happiness, love? Is this something that makes me feel fulfilled? How will this affect me in the future? It’s time to take a fine-tooth comb and look at your actions and habits, one at a time. I’m not suggesting that you avoid responsibilities from your family. But validation starts when you decide you want to be with yourself. Starting in the morning, take time to think about what you want to accomplish, what goals to set for the week, how to let things go if something may not go right that day. At the end of the day, take time to acknowledge what good happened over the day, remember it, practice it and learn from it.
What helps during a confusing and frustrating time is realizing nothing is permanent
You are still young. Your situation will change, your thoughts, your feelings, your worries will all change too. Sometimes that can happen all by itself, sometimes you made the decision to try a new path. I know for a fact that I haven’t figured out exactly where I want to be in life but that’s okay. The one constant in life is that it will always change. Life goes and comes in waves. When the tide is coming in, you choose whether to ride it out or get sucked under. It’s a choice to fight. I can promise you the fight may be hard, but you are worth it.
The majority of people have two lives. Your daily life and also the life unlived inside you. Look around you, all the songs, books, movies, poems that tell you to listen to your heart. They aren’t just romantic content, but real reminders that your heart speaks to you. Listen to it, look for change, the answer you need may be right inside of you.
While I’m still figuring it all out, I know I won’t be 100% confident in myself or my actions but I’m trying. Thats how life works.
“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.”
Harriet Beecher Stowe